Nicci Marquart

I randomly found my login details just now. What a great time to start writing in here again then.

Today is Saturday. After a night of getting kicked by Mathéo we all got up had some breakfast at home! That almost never happens, especial over the weekends. Then we made our way down to 22 Grams. This is a bakery and Café I think everyone should visit if ever in the Randwick area. And if not sold out, try their almond croissant Mmmmmmmm. So damn good.

I just realized I need to start taking pictures again now that I am going back to writing in here. I mean lets be honest, I am not the best writer, blogger, updater or whatever you like to call it. So most of you come in here, skim over my text and look at some pictures. It OK. I get it and its perfectly fine if you ask me.

Let me go in my Google Photos and check if I have any photos at all to share. Might be slightly random but that will have to do for now.

Ice-cream feast with the uncles at Clovelly.
Sunny but so cold!

Always fun with uncle Joey 🙂

We celebrated Ambrose 2nd Fathers Day a couple of days ago. I ordered a small present from Mathéo ( that STILL has not arrived 🙁 and I also ordered a bunch of Swedish”lösgodis” as a little present from me. Just to show my appreciation for all he does for us.

Ambrose went for a surf and when he cam back I had set up a little snack-table for us. But we had to wait because Mathéo was having his midday nap.

Here is a few pictures from Fathers Day.

Rest of the week was not super exciting. I had to to a CT Bone Scan which took in total 4 hours! They needed to inject me with the contrast and then I went away and had to come back to go into one of these giant scans. I did not mind actually because this is all for the nerve/spine specialist I am seeing soon. I am really exited to know what the deal was with my arms over the last year!

My arms are luckily not hurting anymore since I started with my anxiety pills. But still, I dont want to be relying on a pill for the rest of my life.

This pill is interesting though. It was developed to help people with nerve pain. However, soon they released it also helps people feeling better in relation to their mood, anxiety, depression and “fun” things like that. So its a two in one you could say.

Here is the CT Scan I mentioned.

I dont even want to write here today but it took me forever to find or reset my password for my site so what the hell!

Mathéo is at daycare so I am trying to get a bit of items ticked off my to do list. First, stay in a long queue on the phone with MyGov to change the number of hours I look for work. So damn boring but needs to be done and when Mathéo is with me, there is no way he lets me just have my phone. He always takes it and runs away to have some privacy hahaha. Or he chews on it.

Love that little guy so much its ridiculous.

Tomorrow we are selling Golden Beauty – our car. A bit sad to see her leave. We have so many memories in that car. How about taking home our son from the hospital for the first time! Wow, great memories but its ok. I know for sure better memories lies ahead. It always does.

The most boring title – but that is exactly whats been going on lately. Whats interesting though is the fact that the irritation and sadness has left me. All that overthinking has been diminished to a great extent. All those thoughts, worries and irritations were beyond exhausting. I was constantly tired because its draining. I guess without all that shit the brain now says ´OK, I am bored. Lets go. What are we going to do with our-self?´hahaha.

Oh God, its never ending is it not!?

Some say if you are bored, you are boring. Well, maybe I am but I just dont give a F right now. It is as it is. And it is definitely better than being sad.

I guess I am so used to have alot of fun, energetic and spontaneous people around me. For most of my life that was the case. It feels strange to be without that – its by choise, I know, I am the one who decide to move across the world. And in many many ways this is a far better country BUT the older I get I strongly feel I dont want to miss the everyday stuff with these people below…

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It does not matter right now anyway. It might sound corny but If there is anything I learned from my somewhat gypsy life is that it is best to not struggle and just go with the fucking flow. Apologies for the language but it sucks even if it is the truth.

Other everyday gossip is that Mathéo got 3 day a week at his daycare. He only had Fridays which is not enough. I am meeting with my old Director for a lunch. I am looking for a new job. I also want to start training. It is like my therapist said, the evidence and is undeniable, exercise is so good for our mental health. No excuses.

Trusting placing in (and keeping) a couple of routines into my everyday life will make it all a lot better.

Ok this was maybe not the most fun post from me but it is how it is at the moment.

x

Its Friday again so Mathéo is at daycare and I am having my coffee and blogging. This time drop of at daycare did not go as smooth. When he noticed I was leaving he cried so much it broke my heart. I had to call my own mum to calm myself.I was not hysterical, just a bit heartbroken of the thought that he might think I am leaving him and not coming back for him – I cannot thing of anything worst.

But I called them and they said he is better now, laughing and everything. So it feels much better now. After the drop off I had breakfast, talk to my sister and then I had booked a massage in the city. My body needed that. After the massage I had a lunch booked in with Ambrose. We had Sushi and talked talked how this was the first lunch with just the two of us for about one year hahah. Crazy.

No I am having a coffee, listening to music and soon about to go to my psychology appointment.

I never really know exactly what we are going to discuss. Usually it is about managing emotions, something that I have struggled with. Today I would love to talk about discipline. I randomly came across a video with a women called Teal Swan last night. I found it really interesting. I have before understood that people who procrastinate ( a form of lack of discipline I guess) are not just lazy. Procrastination can also be an indication of lack of belief in ones ability to get it done. So instead of give it a try, those people just dont even try. Having the core belief that ´there is no point, I will fail anyway´.

Is that not so interesting? Well, it is for me at least. Teal Swan is talking about the importance of discipline and that lacking that can mean that you somehow fail to depend on your own ability and instead rely too much on other people and the external world to feel complete. Wow.

Having kids is a great motivation. All I think about is that I want to be the best version of myself I can so I can be a great role model for my kids. The though of my children having to go through some of the unnecessary sadness I have in my life is non acceptably for me. I am all for life being a struggle sometimes and its necessary and that will make them grow and all sort of good things. But lets be honest, some shit is just SHIT. Independence, being able to rely on yourself ( as well on others) and being internally harmonious and happy is non negotiable. I will do anything to teach my children those important things. Somebody else can teach them the multiplication tables.

x

We are still a bit unwell the whole family. I managed to get myself and Mathéo out to the Junction to return a couple of things. But that was about it. I felt nauseous and my stomach felt crazy so I skipped the plan of having lunch out and got back home. We met up with Ambrose for a play in the park, we really have come to appreciate Randwick – what a great area! Back home,after feed, nappy change and play and the obligatory cuddles I got myself out for a coffee. I just wanted to have a shower and go to bed but Ambrose convinced me to go out for a bit.

So now I am sitting at our local café having a large almond latte with cinnamon. Little daily luxuries. Not that I dont enjoy being out with Mathéo, he is the funniest to have around but its no chance I can sip a coffee slowly and type on my laptop. hahaha That is a big no no with that little bunny around.

Thought I put in a couple of pictures from the last couple of weeks. Dont think I have even written in here since we moved to Randwick.

Started this sunny morning with a sleep in. The whole family woke up at 8:15 am. I cant remember Mathéo ever waking up past 7am!

I have been unwell for a couple of days so the plan was for me to stay in bed today. But as Ambrose and Mathéo were getting ready I really felt like spending the day with them. Ambrose was taking him down to Bondi Beach to ride on his bike. The bike that he is absolutely obsessed about – our little baby rock-star.

It was sunny but cold. We chose acai bowls for breakfast which was a mistake for me. I just craved something savory and warm.

Anyway, the bike ride by the beach was a success. Mathéo was creaming out of joy witch was so much fun to see.

Now we all are back home resting. Going for a fireworks and bbq later today.

FINALLY it started to snow! And on the 25th of December which is Christmas for Enric and Ambrose so it was amazing, really magical. I love love love snow. Makes me calm, makes me happy. I could go on and on about snow and how I adore it.

We all knew we were very lucky to get snow and that it can disappear so for the last couple of days we have been outside making the most of the snow.

We have been doing pulka which is Swedish for going down a hill in a sled. We have had walks in the forest. We have been BBQ sausages and marshmallows by the lake. Drinking hot chocolate by the fire. And just starring out the window, watching these beautiful flakes fall down. God I sound so dramatic but I dont care. Snow makes life feel like a fairytale.

As you can understand its been amazing. I have been in a really low mood though. Feels like something heavy is sitting on my chest and I feel I am about to cry more or less all day long. And sometimes I do cry but also tagging along all these activities just to not gow even further down this damn dark hole I seem to be in at the moment.

But This Too Shall Pass. Just like the snow.

Here are a couple of pictures from the last couple of days with the snow.